Crazy Crap Item #101: The part where Kristen weighs in on a summer block buster

"everything that you want to see a snake do on a plane, a snake does on a plane."

Crazy Crap Item #100: The part where I love my neighborhood ... again.

This morning, I sent an email to three of my neighbors with the subject line "re. the square dance caller."

Man, I love my neighborhood.

Crazy Crap Item #99: The part where my prestidigitator friend once again demonstrates his remarkable powers

Many who know me know that, for some reason, I am surrounded by psychics. I am like unto a magnet to those who can cast the future, which suits me fine.

Pre-eminent among these is my good friend Mr. Christopher Czajka. For years now, Mr. Czajka, answering occasionally to the nickname "Madame Shi-ka," has been known to all his nearest and dearest as a reader of tarot cards, teller of ghost stories, and insister regarding his own psychic abilities. His abilities are most aptly captured in this chapter of a web-based serial novel he and I co-authored, which uses him as the model for he main character (Will).

Last night, Madam Shikah made frantic call to Eamon and me to recount the latest of his psychic exploits. I will allow Mr. Czjaka himself recount the event (via email):

Ok. Here's a weird one for you.

As you know, Jonathan and I are preparing to take the giant leap intothe world of home ownership (it's proceeding slowly but surely). As we sort through all of the debris in our current apartment, we are making little piles of stuff that we no longer need, but may be appreciated bythose near and dear to us.

Anyway, on Saturday, after finally determining that the cassette tape is dead media, I put together a box of tapes for my friend Billie (who has a tape player in her car). Before dropping the box in the mail, I decided to write a little note.

As I wrote, an unexplained wave of sick-humor inspiration hit me, and I decided to parody another document. Just for fun. For no reason, I decided to base the note to Billie on another note. And so I did.

Last night, I talked to Billie, who had received the tapes and the odd note. And then I realized, yet again, how odd my life can sometimes be.

The note I wrote SATURDAY, and was received in the mail YESTERDAY, was a parody of the JON BENET RAMSEY ransom note!!!!!!!!!!!Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!I have never before written a parody of the Jon Benet Ransom note. Ever. I haven't THOUGHT about Jon Benet Ramsey in about eight years. But Ialways remembered once reading that the note began with the words "LISTEN CAREFULLY!", which I thought was funny. How do you listen to a ransom note?

So the note I wrote Saturday referenced a ten-year old murder that I really haven't dedicated too much thought to. And yesterday, they arrested the killer. Yet again, I am psychic.

That is all.

Madame Shi-ka. Truly, he sees all.

Crazy Crap Item #98: The part where Eamon amuses me with his dry wit

The scene: My front room. I am sitting on the small sofa beside our front windows, reviewing the course outline for a series of video lectures on "American Political Thought." Eamon is on the couch in the livingroom. His back is to me.

The situation: Jack and Sam bike along the sidewalk, flaunting their burgeoning abilities to ride sans training wheels. Gavin follows behind on a squeaky tricycle.

Kay: Oh, the assortment of vehicles that parade outside my window!

Eamon: Want me to get my BB gun?

And ... scene.

Crazy Crap Item #97: The part where I am stuck dumb by a fried chicken chain

Last night, I saw an ad for "breastmeat boneless chicken wings."

What???

Crazy Crap Item #96: The part where my friends and I do battle on the field of poetry

Today, my morning started with a very unusual freelance ad:

I am the co founder of a tea company based here in Boston. We are looking for haikus to add to our packaging. Ideally, the haikus should be witty. We need haikus for the following three themes. Friendship Thank You and Happy Birthday. Please note; Bag Ladies Tea is a gourmet tea line designed specifically for women. We will pay $75.00 for every haiku we use and the chance to be published on a nationally known tea product! All users will be notified by Friday August 25th. Good Luck!

It's a little known fact, but my friends and I have been known to engage in what I like to call competitive poetics. Our weapon of choice: Haiku. So clearly, the gauntlet had to be thrown down. Thrown down it was:

Reading my tea leaves
I see a future of pain
You ungrateful bitch
- Eamon Daly

So, you’re drinking tea.
Why not just give it up now,
And adopt some cats.
- Kay Daly

try to remember
what it was like before
you drank tea alone
- Kristen Freilich

Charming epitaphs
Printed on a tiny tea
Get a frickin' life.
- Chris Czajka

Drink up, moon mother
Sip the sweet mystery here
And take a Quaalude.
- Chris Czajka

I would like to know
Just who it was who told you
Tea’s a chick magnet.
- Kay Daly

One cup of tea and
One pot of scalding water
For that bastard's nuts.
- Eamon Daly

Tea’s not addictive
So pour me another round.
Must … not … light one up…
- Kay Daly

spend your cash on tea
instead of birth control pills
since you won't need them
- Kristen Freilich

Enticing package
Promises vanilla mint
Tastes like shit to me
- Kay Daly

Hey! Watch what you say!
I'm a woman that drinks tea.
Oh ... I'm still single.
- Roxana Hadad

Pour boiling water
Over tea bag in a cup.
Really? Instructions?
- Kay Daly

airport madness here
what could ease this damn drama
tea with whiskey please
- Nicole Hudson

tea is for pussies
drink a beer and be a man
you english bastard
- Cameron Hollway

Too busy Monday
Tea for you and not for me
Sad times for Shatty
- Michael Shattner

Try your own!

Crazy Crap Item #95: The part where Jack registers some impatience with me

This morning, I enjoyed a very pleasant episode of quasi-gardening with young Jack and even younger James. I say "quasi" because with these two trundling about, I get precious little actual gardening done. I kind of like it that way.

During the fun, I noted once again my uncanny ability to start conversations and improvised games that tend toward dangerous outcomes. I don't mean to -- it just seems that I always hit on interactions that are unbearably attractive to the five and under set, and which, if left untended, will lead to death and dismemberment. Mind you, nothing so bad as "let's see what happens when we stick our hands down the garbage disposal," but seriously, not too far off that either.

Aware of my tendency, I've been trying to be just a bit more cognizant of where these things can head and nip it in the bud, however clumsily.

So this morning, Jack had picked up a toy rake and inserted the handle through the links in our chain link fence. So, naturally, I had to try to grab at it whilst he tried to pull it back. A few repetitions of this game, and soon the rake was flailing in the air.

Aha! I thought. This is not good. This will lead to injury. I am the grown-up. I can make it stop.

So, said I to Jack, "Let's not wave the rake in the air." He stopped, rake in air, staring at me. "Because," I continued on, "It could hurt someone. It could fly over and hit someone on the head. And that would not be good."

Jack calmly brought rake down, and deadpanned, "I didn't ask you why."