Crazy Crap Item #136: The part where Jack and James crack wise

My neighbor Ann Casey reported two witticisms produced by her sons, Jack (age 6) and James (age 3).

Jack just celebrated a birthday, and yesterday, he enjoyed a family party in the evening, complete with cake and presents. This capped an afternoon of frolic involving himself, James, and our other neighbors, Casey and Daniel. Exciting hijinx included the unveiling of a brand new Pirates of the Caribbean sprinkler (Target, at the must-sell price of $2.48), the witnessing of Kay cleaning out her garage (fascinating and disgusting stuff), the perusal of a Halloween decorations/costumes catalog, and the impromtu planning of a haunted house in the Daly garage. High times indeed.

Apparently, the day was much prized by young Jack, who today was heard to say, "Get me the phone! I want to call yesterday and ask it to come back."

James countered this witticism with a bit of unplanned mayhem at church this morning. While he was permitted to join his mother at the communion rail, he was scandalized to learn he was not allowed to partake of the sacrament. This led to much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the crying out of "I want the body of cracker!!"

That is a boy that gets right to the heart of the sacred mystery.

Crazy Crap Item #136: The part where Delores experiences an upgrade

I've written often of Delores, our neighbor who keeps vigil over 1500 Norwood from her majestic lawn-chair perch, and who so helpfully informed me of the poop incident.

Just this past weekend, as I was cleaning out the garage, I was interrupted by my neighbor Ann, who excitedly told me Delores had kicked it up a notch. She provided this photo as proof.

Oh, Delores. Long may you wave.

Crazy Crap Item #135: The part where Eamon and I are inadvertantly witty

So I'm working on brochure copy for a video lecture series on "The Classic Novel." As such, I am working up a sidebar of quotes from great novels. I decided to share one quote with Eamon, which spawned the following exchange:

(14:30:58) kaydaly88: “…first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”
(14:31:03) kaydaly88: now /that's/ art
(14:31:10) eamondaly1110: is that jay-z?
(14:31:16) kaydaly88: no, but close
(14:31:19) kaydaly88: joy-ce
(14:31:23) eamondaly1110: ha!

I wish we could say we were being deliberately clever, but we weren't.

Oh, and if you're wondering about that quote, learn more here.

Crazy Crap Item #134: The part where Roxi is misidentified by a cab driver

Last night, Roxi joined me for a festive evening of watching the season premiere of America's Next Top Model, snacking on delicious snacks, and drinking Champagne in a can.

As the hour grew late and the hostess grew tipsy, Roxi decide a trip home in a taxi would be in order. She called later to recount her conversation with the driver, recreated here via email:

Cabbie: Where did you come from?

Me: I ran from over there. [pointing to your house]

Cabbie: You came from out of nowhere. Like a hooker.

Me: I'm not a hooker.

Cabbie: But it was like a hooker. Coming out of nowhere.

Me: I'm not a hooker. [laughing]

Cabbie: You are laughing a lot. Are you drunk?

Me: No, I'm not drunk. [laughing]

Cabbie: You had nothing to drink?

Me: Okay, I had two drinks. But I'm not really drunk.

Cabbie: Did you smoke hashish, too?

Me: No.

Cabbie: Are you sure?

Me: Pretty sure.

Oh, our Roxi. A giggling, hashish-smoking, drunken hooker, for sure.

Crazy Crap Item #133: The part where I encounter a telling indication of my location

As is well known to most, I'm currently in California, helping out my parents while my dad undergoes and recuperates from hip replacement surgery. (He's doing beautifully, in case you hadn't heard.)

So for the last three weeks, I've been residing in the glamorous environs of Sun Lakes community, located in beautiful, chapparel-ridden Banning, California. Sun Lakes, for those unfamiliar with this bastion of golf carts and bingo, is a retirement community, exclusively for those "55 and better," as the community motto puts it. In other words, you must be "this old" to enter.

The surrounding community, Banning, has experienced a sort of renaissance, thanks in large part to Sun Lakes and other copycat planned communities within the city walls. Once a bustling stagecoach stop between Arizona and points west, Banning has been reborn as the land of medical offices, pharmacies, golf-cart repair shops, and other services so necessary to the twilight years.

This key demographic has left its mark on the larger community, one telling example of which I found at a recent trip to the local supermarket. Like most stores, this particular market keeps certain key pharmaceutical items under lock and key to deter shoplifting. Where I come from, these items typically include condoms, pregnancy tests, and the like.

But at the Banning supermarket, what did I find under lock and key?

The full line of Olay regenerative cosmetic preparations.

Apparently, they are like unto liquid gold here.

Crazy Crap Item #132: The part where I grammarize

In my role as grammarian extraordinaire (brought about, apparently, by that pesky PhD I earned some time ago), I am sometimes asked of my writing/language "pet peeves." Honestly, before such a question arose in a job interview, I'd not given systematic thought to such an issue.

Like most, I have a few things that annoy me for their pretension ("myself" used in place of "me" for no good reason) or misapprehension ("literally" used as an intensifier, "prototypical" thrown in as a way to say "really typical"). But it's only lately that I've decided to identify and canonize one grammatical mishap that will be my signature annoyance.

Are you ready?

"You guyses." As in, "We'll be coming over to you guyses house later."

When I hear this phrase, I always want to splay my fingers on my chest, a la Oliver Hardy, and reply, "Disguises?"