Crazy Crap Item #140: The part where I remember just how scary things can be

Halloween is upon us, and I've enjoyed watching the various small people in our midst prepare for the mayhem. Most fascinating, I think, has been young James. At age 3, he's entering the threshold where he's beginning to understand "scary." Which means that things that would not have phased him last year are suddenly horrific.

There are irregularities in this trend. Skeletons, for example, hold no terrors for him. Perhaps it's because he does not yet grasp what a skeleton actually is, or what it implies, but he seems to find them rather cuddly. He has all but adopted a fully articulated, 10" tall skeleton I bought at Jewel ($3 - a bargain!), wrapping it in a cosy blanket and toting him around like a baby doll. His name is Boney.

He's less thrilled with costumes. Eamon's robot head, now enshrined on our fireplace mantle, drives him from the room, and he asked me to remove my witch hat when I modeled it for him.

So you can imagine his unbridled horror when our neighbor Jon Hey attended afternoon fun at the benches wearing a zombie mask. I'm told that his disguise delighted 6-year-olds Sam, Emmet and Jack, but reduced James to quivering paroxysms of fright. Sobs. Screaming. Uncontrollable terror.

So it's not clear why John decided to stage a repeat performance the next day, and to head directly towards James. Who starts to quiver.

So I scoop him up and tell him, "It's only Jon Hey."

To which he replies, "What if it's not????"

Remembering as I do that category of terrifying doubt, I said, "Wanna go in my house and play?"

Which he did. And I don't blame him.

Crazy Crap Item #139: The part where I learn a new definition for BYOB

I've heard yet again from my Montana-based cousin, Mountain Man Tom. This time, he recounts an amusing anecdote vis-a-vis Chinese food in his particular hinterland. Enjoy:


Kay,

Your father has touted restaurant dining in your neighborhood. I thought you might find some humor in Montana dining.

Once a week I meet my friends, Ace and Chris (of the broken rib) at the local brewery's tasting room. We quaff a couple then pick up dinner to go, normally Pizza. Yesterday Chris had a yen for Chinese. Chris is a funny eater and a person of strong opinions, such as preferring The Bamboo Garden to Chang's Family Restaurant, if you can imagine such a thing. The Bamboo Garden features bad service, mediocre (possibly cold) food, and often can not actually produce the meals offered on their menu. Anyone with sense goes to Chang's. Not Chris. She wanted beef and broccoli from The Garden, and called them from the brewery to order. They had no broccoli. This pushed her button. "What if I Pick up some fricken (she actually said "fricken", the first time an expletive was necessary) broccoli at Safeway and bring it to you, will you fix me my (non-fricken) meal.?" They said they would. So, she got greens and took them to The Garden. They gave her $2 off for bringing her own broccoli. She had to wait an hour and the food wasn't very good. Come visit and we can go to Chang's.

Mountain Man Tom

Crazy Crap Item #138: The part where I lay down the law

Recently I was sent to review a horrible, horrible show. As it happens, the show was really still in rehearsal, so after sitting through an hour and a half of blech, I'm not reviewing it after all. It did, however, allow me to compile some new rules for theater. Such as:

1. Any character that is defined by a hat is not a strongly drawn character.

2. Interacting with audience members in character during intermission is not clever or artsy. It's just intrusive.

3. Sign language is not to be used on an ad hoc basis. It is not to be used at all, unless:
a. one or more performers in the cast are hearing-impaired
b. one or more characters in the play are hearing-impaired
c. the audience is hearing-impaired.

4. After a rape/murder is presented on stage, you are not allowed to evoke a cheerful, hopeful tone for the rest of the show. Ever.

5. Rape/murders should not be depicted in musicals. Murders are OK (Sweeney Todd). Near-rape is OK (West Side Story). But not the two, happening at once.

Crazy Crap Item #137: The part where I open a little window on our marriage. Or, a door.

Yesterday, Eamon and I visited his folks up in lovely Spring Grove, IL. His mom's computer was in need of surgery, and since it looked like an all-day affair, I came along.

While waiting for some magical computer program to do some magical thing, he joined me out on the patio, where I was flipping through a coffe-table book about bungalows. Our conversation went thusly:

Kay: Oooh! A shower door. I miss shower doors. We had a shower with a door when I was growing up.

Eamon: I hate shower doors. They make me feel trapped.

Kay: I love shower doors. They make me feel safe.

And ... scene.