Recently I was sent to review a horrible, horrible show. As it happens, the show was really still in rehearsal, so after sitting through an hour and a half of blech, I'm not reviewing it after all. It did, however, allow me to compile some new rules for theater. Such as:
1. Any character that is defined by a hat is not a strongly drawn character.
2. Interacting with audience members in character during intermission is not clever or artsy. It's just intrusive.
3. Sign language is not to be used on an ad hoc basis. It is not to be used at all, unless:
a. one or more performers in the cast are hearing-impaired
b. one or more characters in the play are hearing-impaired
c. the audience is hearing-impaired.
4. After a rape/murder is presented on stage, you are not allowed to evoke a cheerful, hopeful tone for the rest of the show. Ever.
5. Rape/murders should not be depicted in musicals. Murders are OK (Sweeney Todd). Near-rape is OK (West Side Story). But not the two, happening at once.
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