Crazy Crap Item #83: The part where Eamon and I live the dream

I'm quite the flibbertigibbet these days. No sooner do I return from NYC but Eamon and I plan yet another trip, this time to Madison, Wisconsin, and areas thereunto abutting.

Why Madison, you ask? While I could answer with a simple and snide "Why not?", I feel in this instance the need to elaborate. Eamon's work schedule has been quite overwhelming, and he needed to get away. And we didn't want to fly. And we wanted to be far enough for it to feel like "away," but not so far as to exhaust ourselves with the rigors of the road. We'd heard good things about Madison, and in light traffic, it's a mere 3 hours away. Perfecto.

Also, it's a state capitol and a college town! Which means it has a sense of grandeur alongside a lot of coffee houses and hemp stores. An unbeatable combination.

And how was the weekend? The weekend, dear friends, was an exercise in doing whatever the hell we wanted. And it was lovely.

First off, our hotel -- the Madison Hyatt. Rumor has it, it has a heated pool. We never found it, but we weren't looking. It did have a fantastic view of Lake Mononoke (that wasn't the actual name; that's the title of an anime film; but it was something like that) and the beautiful Frank Lloyd Wright terrace overlooking it. While strolling along the banks of aforesaid anime-named lake, I got an extra added bonus: a glimpse of the world's biggest rat swimming parallel to the shore! I felt like Jacques Cousteau!

The eating in Madison was mighty fine. Day one, we ended up at The Tornado Club, an odd, old-school-ish sort of supper club suffering from the sort of identy crisis that results from thinking cosmopolitans on the menu and Old West rifles on the wall go together. But the food was great, and the service fantastic, so all was well. Dinner on day two was not nearly as funny, but just as tasty. Eamon glutted himself on surf and turf, and I grazed on salad and French onion soup at an upscale eatery called Johnny Delmonico's. In between, we partook of ice cream and chocolates, chocolates and ice cream.

A high point of our stay in Madison? We bought no fewer than three hats. A bucket hat and a hemp hat for me, and a bucket hat for Eamon. It was hot, you see, quite hot, and we needed relief. We started looking for a hat for Eamon, then for both of us, and nearly gave up, until a Gap gave me relief with a charming, casual bucket hat. Then, wouldn't you know it, we stepped outside and saw -- yes! -- a hat store, right next door. It was there we discovered my hemp masterpiece.

All this took place while strolling down State Street, a promenade, in some places blocked for through traffic, which links UMadison with the capitol building. Along the way, we browsed an art museum, stopped for refreshment at UMadison's lakefront student union, and window-shopped for frocks. In the process, I managed to try on a dress that looked cute on the mannikin but on the body transformed into one of the cheapest hoochie dresses I've ever seen. Yes, hoochie, there in the shadow of the capitol. I was shocked.

Some observations:

* Madison is quiet. Eerily quiet. To whit: on the afternoon we arrived, I took a stroll over to State Street while Eamon napped, and noted it was quite quiet and empty -- due, I assumed, to the fact it was Memorial Day weekend. But then I noticed that it wasn't empty. There were numbers of people around me. And as I turned on to State Street, I noticed it was actually pretty darn packed. But quiet. Eerily quiet. I don' t know why.

* Madison is lesbian central. They all stroll around, clad in clamdiggers, with hemp hats plopped atop their short haircuts, two-by-two, clasping hands on one side and clutching small shopping bags from the local candle shoppe on the other. I felt quite left out.

* According the logic of syllogism, I may postulate that lesbians are quiet. Eerily quiet.

* Madison is home to a feminist bookstore and cafe called "A Room of One's Own." See point above about Madison lesbians.

In addition to the joys of Madison proper, our hotel offered considerable charms, including a very friendly and helpful staff. But I regret to report that the "dueling piano" act that plays the hotel bar failed to make good on their claim that they could play anything. In response to our request (accompanied by a crisp $20 bill) for "Our Love is Here to Stay" (Gershwin) and "Back in Black" (ACDC), they played only the opening verse and half a chorus of "Someone to Watch Over Me" -- badly -- then gave up. Then followed an interminable series of Elton John and Billy Joel songs. When Eamon called them to account, and slipped them another $10, they managed to crank out a jazzy "Summertime." Points for effort, none for execution.

On the last day of our sojourn, we left Madison and headed west -- not east!!! -- for what would prove to be the ultimate high point of (and the actual reason for) our journey. We were on a mission. A mission to visit... The House on the Rock.

In case you are not aware, The House on the Rock is the mother of all roadside attractions. Not being from the Midwest, I'd never heard of it until I recently read Neil Gaiman's American Gods. (A fantastic read; do pick it up.) In it, the protagonist is taken to HOTR by a modern-day apotheosis of Thor and a wide array of other gods for their council meeting, which take place on the attraction's carousel.

Yes. I said carousel.

When I finished reading this section of Gaiman's novel, I carefully laid the book down and narrowly questioned my husband as to the whereabouts of this house on this rock and the reasons we had never been there. He assured me we would someday remedy this situation.

Someday is now, and I must say, my life now has meaning. All that passed for my life prior to visiting this temple to all that is fantastically tacky and overblown shrinks in comparison. I am a Kay reborn.

I can in no way capture in words the delight of this landmark, so I will offer but a few, brief comments.

The carousel room was MAGNIFICENT and lurid, two things I love. It is covered in red lights, and the ceiling of the room is hung with life-size manniquins DRESSED AS ANGELS. And there are enormous, self-playing kettle drums that accompany the neverending loop of calliope music. Fantastic. The carousel itself holds something like 3 million creatures -- none of which are horses. Madness.

Then there's the organ room, which is filled, top to bottom, with various mechanical devices, some relating to organs, others NOT AT ALL. To whit: there is part of an engine from a whaling ship. And the room is cross-cut by catwalks and paths, some of which you can stroll, and some of which are purely decorative, and loaded with strange medieval figures. I have no idea what it all meant, but I was in bliss.

The circus room, armory display, replicas of crown jewels, dollhouse rooms, and doll carousel I will pass over without comment. But I must gloss one last bit of the display. The last part of the circus display (which fills several rooms) is lined, most unaccountably and without explanation, wall cases filled with charming sculptures depicting a variety of tableaux, often emblazoned with poems. About diamonds.

Upon further investigation, Eamon surmised that these were old fashioned advertising displays for the jewelry industry. Subsequent investigations have proven him correct. We browsed them, row on row, bemoaning the fact that, although mechanized, none of them seemed to be in working condition. Until we got to a series of cases -- with on-off buttons! And we pushed them! And whole rows of these devices lit up and lurched into movement!!! It was remarkable.

One last note on the Madison odyssey, then all will lapse into silence.

The area surrounding House on the Rock is just as fantastically splendid as the House itself, teeming with more tourist traps than you can shake a stick at. I happened to pick up a free tourist guide at the local A&W (we needed rootbeer floats), and was tickled with what I found. Apparently, within the region, you can visit:

* The House on the Rock
* Taliesin (a famous F.L. Wright structure)
* Norway Town (which, for some reason, features a lot of trolls. The guidebook I found had pages and pages about trolls.)
* Cave of the Mounds (for all your spelunking needs)
* the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum

Clearly, we'll be going back there soon.