Crazy Crap Item #86: The part where I explain why I haven't written about roller derby

It's seems natural, right? I go to a bout of Chicago's Windy City Rollers all-female roller derby league; I post about all the zany goings-on.

And yet, nary a peep from me.

To back up: As I've mentioned before that Eamon participates in the roller derby as head of Stats and Rules & Regs. (He goes by the moniker "Scorey Feldman." Check out his staff photo!) I've attended a bout before, and this past Sunday, I returned for the first bout of the new season. My good friend Mr. Christopher Piatt, theater editor at TimeOut Chicago, joined me. We met at the Liar's Club, the derby's unofficial bar of choice, and boarded the "party bus," which took us to Cicero Stadium, the new derby venue. We ate funyons and sipped diet coke. We reveled in the Windy City tagline, "Talk derby to me." We cheered for Piatt's two coworkers who skate in the derby, and were amazed at how easy it was to follow the action. We re-boarded the party bus for a return trip to Liar's Club, bidding a fond farewell to Cicero and its majestic watertower.

So why am I so circumspect on the matter of derby madness? Am I under duress from the Cicero mob to keep my doings under wraps? Is it true, as they say, that what happens in Cicero stays in Cicero?

Or am I being circumspect out of a caution about gilding the lily? Why out-Caesar Caesar with shrill declarations of kitch when the original so far outpaces any pithy witticism I could spin?

But that's not really it. After giving it some thought, I think I've lit upon the reason. The derby, you see, is oddly earnest. Yes, the ladies wear fanciful uniforms. Yes, they adopt punny names ("Tequila Mockingbird," "Val Capone"). There's a spirit of carnival.

But there's also a straight-faced seriousness to it. Family members bring signs to cheer on their skaters. During warm-ups, the women don't showboat; they skate. The colormen provide witty banter, but the audience is more concerned to know the score. We watched older women in the stands (apparently mothers of the derby rollers) wearing t-shirts emblazoned with slogans such as "Mama Bier" (Anita Bier's mother) and "Crusher's Mama."

So that's why. In case you were wondering.